Craine Counseling and Consulting Group provides counseling services, social work ethics consultations and social work ethics workshops in a variety of settings.

The hurt is so intense due to the disappointment and sense of betrayal regarding the many losses associated with a relationship break-up of any kind.  Here are some helpful tips to finding your way through the hurt:

1. Remember that your feelings are a normal part of the grieving process. Give yourself time to grieve, on average 13 months,   Allow yourself to have each of the feelings associated with grief including anger, sadness, bargaining, frustration, disappointment, etc.

2. When you find yourself angry with the other person, remember that the anger is a secondary emotion to the disappointment and sense of betrayal you are experiencing. Wait at least 24 – 48 hours before expressing your feelings to the other person.  Try to focus and identify what the exact disappointment is and share these feelings.  When you share your feelings, be sure to use “I” statements and own your feelings: “I feel disappointed that we can’t agree on parenting time” as an example.

3. Remember that you cannot change the other person. You can only change your reaction to them which may or may not facilitate them behaving differently towards you.  At this point, it is about you getting healthier and stronger and learning from your experiences.

4. Try meditation for 5 minutes twice each day. During your “meditation” focus on your breathing solely. Make sure you are breathing in and out through your nose and working towards slowing your breath down with each practice. This will help you feel calmer during the day and allow you to react to others with less raw emotion gradually over time. Eventually, you will have a new coping skill that is second nature.

5. Keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings. Use this as a place to vent your frustrations and disappointments instead of blurting them out right away to the other person. Come back to your written words the next day, or even two days later, and document possible resolutions to share with the other person. Try to look at your writing as a third person listening/reading what you wrote to keep it as objective as possible. The original writing/venting was subjective.

I hope this helps. More to come.

Blessings,

Ellen

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